Illidan on his toxic behavior: “A lot has changed for the better”

I’ve never tried to whitewash this, because that’s just silly. Of course, there are a lot of things I say to people that I really shouldn’t say at all. And over time, that’s become much less frequent. In most of these cases, the situation is complicated. I understand that public figures, at some point, shouldn’t react too strongly to situations where people are literally trying to provoke them. But I didn’t handle that very well, let’s just say.

For a long time, I followed the principle: “You get what you give. If someone says mean things to me, I respond in kind.” And here in the CIS, there’s a widespread belief that if you don’t respond, you’re a pushover. And when you’re a public figure, sometimes—when other famous people try to take a dig at you—you have to respond. And to be honest, I don’t always want to do that.

I’d say that a lot has changed for the better, but I won’t say that I don’t feel any negative emotions when someone just says or writes nonsense to me. That wouldn’t be true. I don’t want to pretend that I’ve changed drastically, like some people do in our media landscape. No, I try to hold back, but honestly, sometimes MMOs still really piss me off. I think that’s an integral part of the process. It’s not about how I express myself, but about the emotions you feel toward it. Because if you don’t care, I don’t think you have any business being in Dota in the first place, and you shouldn’t be involved in this scene at all, after all. If there’s no passion, that’s bad.

I go overboard—I won’t argue with that. Has this changed over the last 10 years? It’s definitely changed for the better. I’m sure of it. On the other hand, is that enough? Probably not, objectively speaking. But those who know me from my streams—not just from clips or things taken out of context—know that I can behave differently.

I’m not going to lie and say, “Oh, I don’t care what people write online.” Actually, I do. And no matter how much time has passed, I still get emotional about people’s comments. Yes, those emotions aren’t as intense, of course, as the ones I feel from people who are closer to me.

But to say that I don’t care what people write online… Honestly, I think anyone who says they don’t care at all is just lying to themselves and others. I don’t understand why. I don’t believe there’s a single person who’s 100% indifferent. Especially if it’s not just empty words, but something backed up by actual events that are taking place.

At one point, I was playing really well. I knew I was playing really well, and it was as if I’d let my guard down. I think I started trying less—in the truest sense of the word.

I was still incredibly engaged in the process, but I ended up shifting the blame for my mistakes onto a much broader scope—onto other people and certain circumstances. Although deep down, I knew I could have corrected those mistakes.